![]() You want to believe it will get better, which is why you stay. Your partner may remorsefully cry to you saying it wasn’t their character and they’ll never do it again, equally fueling your fear and trust in them. ![]() In practice, trauma bonding looks like a compulsive cycle of wanting to please your partner to avoid setting them off, followed by an incident of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, and then a honeymoon period where all seems well. The person you want to console you the most is the one hurting you. The attachment pattern alternates between devaluation and intimacy. The situation can vary, but fundamentally, it’s about dependency and having someone abusive fulfill your emotional and spiritual needs. Trauma bonding frequently shows up in romantic relationships but also extends to dynamics with power imbalances including, but not limited to, abusive parent-child relationships, sex trafficking, military training, fraternity hazing, kidnapping, cults, and hostage situations. One minute things are good, and then the next, they’re not,” psychotherapist Jourdan Travers, LCSW, tells mbg. It’s when we have fond feelings or miss individuals who have abused us because we’ve developed a connection to them. “Trauma bonds are the attachments we have with our abusers. ![]() If you’ve ever questioned why it’s hard for people to leave painful partnerships, it’s important to understand the concept of trauma bonding-which points to an abusive and distressing relationship with brief moments of positive reinforcement. But what happens if it feels impossible to extricate yourself from the toxic union? When you can’t seem to end it or find yourself coming back time and time again? When you’re in an abusive relationship, leaving your partner is the best course of action to take. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-80 or TTY 1-80) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. Originally published on Mind Body Green – Written by Julie Nguyen, with contributions from Dr. How To Spot Trauma Bonding, An Abusive Relationship Dynamic
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